23. Feliz día del maestro.

por Andrés Amezcua.

Fotograma de The Simpsons.

Fotograma de The Simpsons.

1

Llego tarde a la secundaria privada en la que soy maestro de Historia. Los alumnos están inquietos como diario. A pesar de ser privada, las instalaciones son pésimas para poder desenvolver labores docentes: es una casona vieja con una gran cochera que sirve como patio para el recreo; la casa ha sido adaptada para ser escuela, se ha dividido de tal manera que han quedado al final como 15 salones de 3×4 metros cuadrados. Es mi primer verano dando clases aquí y ya se comienza a sentir la incomodidad del calor, intensificado además por lo claustrofóbico de los cuartos. En estas condiciones me queda simplemente entretener a los mocosos. Nunca he querido tener hijos, ni siquiera me gusta tener que lidiar con mis sobrinos; la fortuna me ha jugado una mala broma y me ha puesto en este salón rodeado de pubertos inquietos.

A pesar de todo, hay alumnos que me caen bien; a veces les hago bromas que no entienden, como cuando es viernes les pregunto que si saldrán a tomar frutsis y comer duritos por la noche con los amigos. Sin embargo, hay otros con los que me cuesta trabajo relacionarme; son esos malcriados insolentes que solo porque tienen dinero y pagan, creen que tienen pleno derecho a pisotear a quien se les ponga enfrente. 

Hoy uno de estos mirreyes en potencia vino hacia mí y me presumió sus zapatos Ferragamo. Comencé a hacer plática al chiqueado por papi y me dijo que como regalo de sus 15 años iría a Dubái. Le dije que porqué mejor no hacía un fiestonón y me invitaba. Me dijo secamente que no. Luego sacó su celular y me comentó que en su cumpleaños 13 le comprarían un cachorro de león, aunque estaba indeciso, no sabía si era mejor eso o una pantera, o un jaguar; por un momento pensé que hablaba de peluches, pero luego me mostró en la pantalla de su Iphone6 fotos en las que sostenía a los animales. 

Lo miré con estupefacción y le dije que para qué quería eso, que seguramente cuando crecieran las bestias se lo comerían. Quise asustarlo para que mejor invirtiera su regalo en una cosa provechosa, pero contestó con acento chiqueón que no, que ya tenía contactado al criador. Le insistí en que era ilegal, que lo denunciaría a la policía, pero dijo que todo estaba bajo reglamento, que era un vendedor serio (como si vender animales en peligro de extinción fuera un trabajo serio). 

La clase terminó, tomé mis cosas y salí rápidamente del salón. La fortuna me había jugado una muy mala broma.

2

Los periodos de evaluación son los peores días para un maestro. Son dos semanas pesadas en donde se deben revisar firmas, preparar exámenes, repartirlos rápidamente para que no se copien, aplicarlos y después la tediosa tarea de calificarlos (de repente se vuelve divertido esto último por las tonterías que contestan).  Una vez pasada la primera parte de la evaluación, lo siguiente es editar tus tablitas excel, borrar aquí, poner este número allá para, como suerte alquimista, convertir la pereza de los alumnos, habida durante todo el parcial, en una calificación objetiva.

Ya que se suben las calificaciones y que los alumnos se enteran de ellas, sigue la semana de “correcciones” (eufemismo para definir la acción de cambiar las calificaciones mediante promesas vanas o amenazas por parte de los alumnos o de la coordinación). En este periodo el profesor es acosado por los pasillos de la escuela; literalmente ve y escucha a los adolescentes espinilludos en la sopa vociferando la frase: “ayúdeme profe” (piénselo en voz chillona). La sala de maestros acaba siendo un lugar sitiado por una horda de alumzombies enfurecidos seguros de que su güevonada no merecía tal calificación.

Los periodos de evaluación rompen con la poca empatía que habías logrado durante las semanas anteriores a los exámenes con los alumnos. Muchos terminan odiándote y te consideran un hijoeputa seguros de que “no hacer nada” merecía al menos un 9.

Desgraciadamente el día del maestro coincide con estos días; lo más que llega a gozar uno es su día libre y una comidilla que organiza la institución para la cual trabajas. Y ni eso, ya que el menú no te satisface: entrada de churritos con chile; y de plato fuerte: birria con arroz y agua de Jamaica para que amarre.

3

Existen tres cosas que una persona en su sano juicio no debería desear: envejecer, tener hijos y ser maestro. Cuando eres niño, entre todo el abanico de profesiones, la que menos se asoma por tu verde cerebro es la de ser profe. Y es razonable que un infante piense así, ya que su vida, desde temprana edad, ha sido encargada a estos monstruos que escupen regaños, gritos, reglas, tareas, exámenes y reprobaciones sin la menor misericordia. Nadie quiere ser de grande ese ser  amargado y decrepito, y acabar encerrado como loco en un salón hablando sobre historia universal.

He tenido muchos maestros en mi vida como estudiante, yo los categorizo en tres grupos: los no tan malos, los malos y los muy malos. Así como la peor melodía queda tan grabada en tu memoria que la susurras a cada momento, así quedó fijado en mi mente el recuerdo de uno de los muy malos: el profe de biología de la secundaria: Checo.

Checo era (y quizá lo sigue siendo) de cabello chino, canoso, de piel morena, de mediana estatura, con panza pronunciada pero de extremidades delgadas; vestía siempre pantalones de mezclilla gastada, zapatos empolvados por la topografía del lugar, camisa polo de tianguis descolorida, quizá, por su historial de lavadas. El primer día de clases, el profe Checo se presentó avisándonos que en su curso habría solamente una tarea a realizar – en ese momento todos los alumnos nos miramos con una sonrisa imaginándonos tardes sin tarea ni preocupaciones  y de Dragon Ball Z –. La actividad era algo que él llamó “álbum”. El mencionado “álbum” consistía únicamente en transcribir TODO (imágenes incluidas) el libro de texto de biología. No sé qué finalidad pedagógica tenía tal método de aprendizaje, seguramente ninguna, pero algo era seguro, el profe Checo se deslindaba así de darnos clases diariamente.

Cada día del año escolar, en la clase de biología, la lección transcurrió con un profe sentado en su mesa y nosotros como obreros a destajo vertiendo tal cual la lección del libro al cuaderno. Al final del bimestre, Checo se llevaba los libros para revisar avances, no se necesita ser adivino para saber  que lo único  que hacía era arrumbarlos en su escritorio y traérnoslos después sin siquiera haber echado una ojeada. Así, bastaba un poco de esfuerzo, un mínimo de capacidad intelectual, para pasar la materia con 10. No en vano estuve siempre en el cuadro de honor gracias a semejantes métodos.

La insolencia y soberbia juvenil hace que hagamos juicios fáciles. Todos considerábamos como un güevonazo al maestro Checo. Sin embargo, ahora que lo pienso y que estoy del otro lado del mesabanco, puedo llegar a entender su actitud y su pereza. Lo veo llegar a su casa después de haber pasado todo el día con niños malolientes, desordenados, gritones, apáticos y muchos con dificultades para comprender. Año con año, quizá ya tenía 10 años como profesor de secu, repitiendo el mismo ciclo, cuántos alumnos no habrán pasado por sus clases; seguramente en sus inicios quiso cambiar al mundo, inculcar la actitud crítica en los mocosos. De repente se habrá dado cuenta de lo imposible de la tarea, de las dificultades de educar centenares de mozalbetes que lo único en lo que pensaban era en niñas, música y juegos. Quizá no era tan viejo como aparentaba, sus arrugas y canas bien pudieron ser cicatrices de batallas perdidas en el aula, de enojos, de decepciones y de irritación por las condiciones laborales, por la calidad del alumnado, por el salario que recibía y por las instalaciones en las que trabajaba. Quizá su vida privada no era lo mejor, 1 divorcio y algunos hijos desbalagados. Un día, quizá planeando clases, se habría dado cuenta que para qué soportar chamacos si podía entretenerlos con un lápiz y una hoja.

Diariamente recorro horas interminables en el camión para dirigirme a la escuela en donde doy clases. Comienzan a salirme más arrugas y otra vez me quité dos canas de la barba; por comodidad y flojera de planchar llevo los mismos pantalones de mezclilla y polos a mis clases; mientras recorro a pie el camino de terracería que separa la parada del camión con la entrada de la escuela pienso con desgano en mis clases, en los alumnos, en la amarga rutina; inevitablemente caigo en ese abismo en el que cayó el profe Checo.

Sobre nosotros Andrés Amezcua

Titulado en la licenciatura de Filosofía, ha colaborado como reseñista para la editorial "La Zonámbula", y actualmente colabora ocasionalmente como reportero de la revista electrónica "El faro cultural". Trabaja como profesor de filosofía en bachillerato.

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